29 November, 2012

Suddenly He Turned Four

Milo Sage, you are four years old today.

Your daddy and I were talking last night, about what we were doing four years ago at this time.  I was crying, because I was a week overdue and couldn't see my toes anymore and I just wanted it to be over.  Daddy was dealing with me, so obviously he was drinking heavily.

And then suddenly, you were here.

You were our game changer.  The sadness of the babies we lost prior to you, our own personal miracle, seemed so distant as I said your name out loud for the first time, with you crying in the background.  You taught us how to be in charge of something so fragile, dependent.  You made us question our sanity.  You made us wonder why anyone would ever choose to procreate.  You made me miss eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.  You have had us say/think things we never imagined saying.

I wonder if he's breathing.
Is that poop? *Puts nose ON butt* Yep, that's poop.
Are my nipples leaking again?
I just caught poop in my hand.
Seriously, what if he has stopped breathing and he's lying dead in there and we don't even know?

That last one is no joke.  I do that now, and it's weird.  I remember Mom coming into my room and I'd still be awake but lying still and quiet.  She would put her hand on my back to see if I was breathing.  Because I'm an awful daughter, I would hold my breath.  I never told her I was awake.  I would let that poor woman fret over her daughter who might be dead because I thought it was funny.  But I digress.

Milo, you are an extraordinary boy.  You are smart.  You are also a smart ass (you get that from your father).  I think it's the big head.  I mean, look at that thing.  The nurse said you wouldn't come out because you simply would never fit.  Either that, or you would have broken my pelvis.  That would have been so uncool.

You say you don't love me, but I know secretly you do.  At least I hope.
You twirl your hair.  So much, you have a bald spot.  I kid you not.
You say funny things like "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself".
You have the tiniest little butt.
You refuse to participate in songs at school, but will sing them word for word when you think no one is listening.
You sleep like a rock.
You will only suck your thumb if you have your blanket to cover it up, as if we don't know what you're doing.
You shrug your shoulders and say, "Maybe" when you are lying.  Every.  Time.
You call Luie "Squeezy" and it makes me smile.
You give great hugs, but your kisses are sloppy.

I am unconditionally and fiercely in love with you.  I would walk through fire before hurting you.  I will protect you, and will probably cross the line in order to do so.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've already done that.  Ask your friends, I doubt they like me.  But to be fair, he had it coming.

Some nights I peek in your bedroom and see you there and wonder what you'll be like in 2, 4, 10 years.  Honestly, my mind usually comes up blank.  Every day you surprise me with something new.  You are a guessing game, and I will always want to play.

No matter what you are, please be honest, fair, kind, and wise.  And be nice to your sister.  She thinks you're the epitome of awesome, and I don't want that image to be distorted any time soon.

This, my boy, is for you.  Please ignore whatever this image is in the video.  Just listen to the words, soak it in, and know that YOU WERE BORN, and you have shaped me into the mother I am today.  You are nowhere near done, and I cannot wait to see where we end up.

Goodnight Stinky Face,

I love you, Joe Bunny.

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