30 April, 2014


Folks, this year is my golden birthday.

You may not have even known that the Golden Birthday is a thing... Justin sure didn't until I set him right.  Just in case you're someone who also lived in a cave growing up, I'll be 27 on the 27th of September.  Hey-oh!

I like birthdays.  A LOT.  I get disappointed when people forget.  I get sad when my super high expectations are not met.  Yep, I'm a big fat baby.  So sue me.

But this year, that will not happen!  You know why?  Because I'm giving you all plenty of warning.

If you are wondering, yes this is me planning my own birthday.  If you want stuff done a certain way ya just gotta' do it yourself.  I learned that one from my dad.  Mom apparently doesn't know his system for his socks and undies so he politely asked her to keep her arthritic chicken fingers off of them.

So here I am, politely asking for you to just sit back and let me tell you how to make my birthday, MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY, really awesome.

(Just so we're clear, I'm really good at reciprocating.  I may be poor, but I can write some really awesome cards.  I will make your birthday dreams come true!)

I've broken it down into levels of your love and commitment to me.  You decide where you fall and act appropriately:

Level One: Basic Love
     You love me, but it may have been a few (or ten) years since we've seen each other.  Or, you're poor (no judgement, I am too).  This would be a good opportunity to send me a card.  Handmade is best, but I'm not picky.  Wait, I'm a little picky.  Send funny ones.  Then write a memory of us, sign it, seal it, send it on its way and never think about it again.  See how easy that is?

Level Two: You Are Definitely Into Me
     You love me a little more than those card folks up above, but may not have the time to commit to painting my name on the water tower in John Deere green.  You may send me a gift.  I have curated quite a collection on Etsy, Amazon & Pinterest.  Look me up, befriend me, take a peek.  Options range from $3 to Thousands.  Buyers choice.  I also love those moments where people are like "I saw this randomly and it just screamed "you".  Those make my heart smile, so you do you, boo boo.

Level Three: You, like, Really Love Me
     Nothing says love like a homemade something.  Use your imagination, set your spirit free, and then let me reap the rewards of your new awakening.  You are a beautiful butterfly, friend, and I want to see you fly.  That would be an amazing gift in itself.  Oh my gosh, guys.  What if I'm like this weird catalyst for a modern day renaissance?  Woah.


Let's not get too legalistic about your feelings for me versus your place in the above system.  Go where the spirit leads you.  Obviously I will be ranking everyone based upon what is sent and that will determine your place in my life from henceforth, so keep that in mind.

Guys, this is going to be a lot of fun.  Mainly for me, but imagine how fulfilled you are going to feel.  I'm just so glad I can give that to you.  You're welcome.

1280 Tunisia Road
Seaside, CA 93955

Just for reference, when the time in near.  I mean, I did give it to you all over a year ago and have received like a whopping 2 cards from anyone I don't share a last name with.  I'm not bitter.

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