04 November, 2015

Shake it Out

You know how you have music on your iPod that rarely gets touched?  Like, you were super into [insert embarrassing band name here] years ago and then you forget they're there until they weirdly show up at the right time?  (Or, more often than not, the wrong time.  Like when you're trying to be romantic and play "our song" and No Diggity comes on?  Okay, fine, No Diggity is actually our song, but you get the point.)

Well, wasn't I lucky enough to have such an experience today.  I rarely listen to my music anymore.  With a longer commute to work, I've really gotten into podcasts.  And if I'm out of episodes, then I click on the radio.  But today the 60s on 6 were just NOT doing it for me, so the iPod it was.  I was nearly home, and then it came on.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

Oh boy.  I haven't heard this one since...well, probably since we lived at Offutt.  That's 3 years ago; back when life was relatively easy and I was too naive to see what was going on.

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

I never considered this song relative. I just remember some of my best long-distance runs were accompanied by this song.  But now, today, as I sang along I caught myself saying, "Woah."  I turned it up and stopped singing.  It was like hearing for the first time all over again.

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

For over a year, I've been carrying this burden, this heavy heart. And, for those of you who have done the same, you know the toll it can take on a person.  Physically: I have foggy brain; I am retaining weight; my hair is falling out faster than ever.  Emotionally: I cry a lot; I'm distrusting; I've built up pretty spectacularly high walls from people; I can't connect like I used to; I second guess myself.

But truthfully, I'm so tired of all of that.  I'm ready to be Bridget again.

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Now, I understand that you can't go back again. I know that the person I am shaping up to be is a direct product of my experiences.  James wasn't fooling around when he said that trials produce perseverance.  I certainly wish there was another way around it to learn the things I have, but that's beside the point.  

I also understand that me saying I'm just going to shake it out is simple.  But, true story, I've literally been told to get over it.  May I take a moment to say that you should never, under any circumstances, say that to a grieving person?  It just makes you look like a dick.  (Is that mean?  I say with love, people.)  Anyhow, it's not simple.  It's complicated and messy.  It involves getting to the bottom of it with yourself and, sometimes, with the people who have hurt you.  It's being done with your graceless heart and learning what forgiveness really looks like.  It never feels complete.  And, from my perspective only, I'm not sure it will ever be complete.  Healing, to me, is about making progress.  When you check your incision after surgery and notice that the skin is beginning to mend...progress.  When you realize that you just expressed frustration, fear, or confusion about something when before you would have stayed quiet and it would have festered and grown and you would have begun to harbor resentment and hate...progress.  

So I guess I've rambled on this far to say...I'm going to keep at it.  I want to shake the fears, self-pity, self-doubt, anger, and indignation (along with a thousand other feels).  I want to be a strong mother and friend.  I want to show you what healing looks like.

Progress is the name of the game.  Trying to fix it all in one day ain't going to happen.  I tried that last August.  I tried to fix Justin, me, anything I could get my hands on.  And it didn't work.  It just left me broken and exhausted and unable to cope when shit really hit the fan in October.  Instead of being present in the moment and the feelings and laying it down, I made it my life's goal to make it better and collect my medal for Best & Fastest Fixer.  Turns out, there is no medal for that.  But thankfully God used people around me to say, "Hey.  Quiet down.  Let's just let him deal with this.  He's got it and He's got you so just chilllllllllll."

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Letting go is a risk. I don't know where it's headed, but I'm going to trust the process. And I'm going to trust God. He got me this far so I don't see Him abandoning me now; that would just seem completely out of character.  And I'm going to try and do what Florence and her machine tells me too: shake it out.  Because it's hard to dance with the devil on your back.  And I'm not a great dancer to begin with, so it just makes it even weirder.

We'll talk soon. B

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