...it seems I haven't done anything since the middle of May. My bad, guy. My bad.
But to be fair, things got pretty cray (as those whipper-snappers like to say) and the last thing on my mind was to get on here and regale you with stories about my amazing life. So let's do a super fast recap.
I co-hosted a baby shower for the best friend a lady could have. Please don't judge my handwriting. I try, but it never looks better than a fifth grader who dots her I's with circles. Yes, I once did that, and don't you dare judge because you did it too.
The day after the shower, this man-child left again. It was sad, but I kept it pretty much together. That was until I went to church a few hours later and had a major meltdown in the pew. I am positive I scared the Cocoa Puffs out of TJ, who unfortunately was stuck sitting next to me. Let's just say I'm not the most elegant crier. I look like a mix of two of the ugliest criers I have ever seen: Farrah from Teen Mom (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about you elitist weirdo) and Rachel Barry from Glee.
Side note: I was curious to see if anyone else thought these two looked as hideous as I thought. After a quick google search this was the first site to pop up. Click here to see it. BAM. You're welcome, America.
Here's some of the vacation. Oh, yes. That is us on Segways. Which is by far the best way to see D.C. Three hours of touring and I only had to walk for like 20 minutes of it. The only way it could have been better was if they offered HoverRound or Rascal tours. And if said Rascal came with a TV tray for your lap so you could eat and tour at the same time.
Yes, we look a bit special. But I can tell you're jealous. Even better: I almost had a hop-on. Arrested Development, anyone? "You gotta watch out for hop-ons."
This is Gary, who single-handidly ruined almost every photo I took. But they make me smile rememebring him and his wife, Karen, who were ridiculously awful at riding. Karen almost got my Segway jammed into her calves a few times. Dang it, Karen. Don't stop in the middle of the road! She would be a good candidate for the Rascal Tour. Because she sucks at Segwaying (that's what us pros call it) and she's old as dirt. She wore a fanny pack, and not ironically.
Also, have you seen the show Veep on HBO? No? Go watch it. It does not disappoint. And this building is shown quite a bit. Is that sad that I only know what happens in this building because of TV? No, I don't think so. TV can be great, and those elitist weirdos (Tradmark pending) who tell you, "I don't have cable, it's a waste of my time and brain power" are being ridic. Most likely they are lying. They love TV, but it's better to act like they could care less because it makes them feel superior. Now I'm not saying you should plop your four year old down in front of the boob tube for seven hours each day, but a half an hour (okay let's be real, it's more like an hour) of programming will actually not cause you to suddenly become as productive as a vegetable. Woah. Where did this come from Bridget? Simmer.
Ol' Honest Abe was by far my favorite. It turns out that this monument is pretty big. And when I was in there I kept thinking about Gomer Pyle, USMC going in there and reading his speech off the wall because he was nervous about singing. Anyone? No? Just me? Forget I said anything.
Sammi did her best to fit in with the unsavory crew we were riding home with on the Metro by licking the window. I made her Germ-X her tongue when we got home.
Here's Sammi Joseph with her son, Canyon, at the beach just a block from their awesome apartment. Yes, they are out about 20 feet and the water is only up to her knees. Maybe not the best for adults, but perfect for people like Canyon who haven't quite developed the ability to yell, "Mom, I think I might be drowning!"
Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. I was molested by a sting ray. Don't laugh, it's not funny! This thing straight up groped my middle and it looked like it was hugging me. And what did Sammi do to help? She bugged out and ran out of the water leaving me to escape on my own. Thanks Sammi, you're the best.
And the latest...me and 30,000 other people in the KC area did the Color Run.
Now I only put this picture up to show you my four differnet tan/dirt lines. Please don't mock my ghostly white torso or my saddle bags. Look people, this part of my body doesn't see a lot of sunlight. As in, never. Justin has to put on sunglasses before he enters to room if I am changing. We fear for his corneas.
If you get a chance, you should definitely do this run. But if thousands of people in tight spaces makes you itchy, I might avoid it. The start felt like we were cattle headed to the slughterhouse. Great, now I'm hungry. Darn you, bovine deliciousness.
And that's that, folks. Does your brain feel tired? Mine does. But that's probably because I'm coming down off of a major hit of acid.
Tune in next time, when I mention more obscure shows and embarass myself with my uncoordinated yet moving dance skillz. With a z, for added flavor.